Helping our little kiddos manage their BIG emotions

Parenting is hard ya'll. Just when you think you've got this season figured out, it changes. The kids seem to take turns being challenging, which is a blessing and a curse. Part of me wishes we could just work all their stuff out at once and get past it. But I probably would be kicking myself if that really did happen and I was in the thick of it.

My six (seven in December) year old daughter has been the most challenging lately, which has given me the opportunity to reflect on how I/we parent. Sometimes I get so caught up in the day to day grind of putting out fires, my decision making goes on auto pilot. Which is why I'm taking this challenging time to introspectively check myself.

I've found a few tips that have helped me with both preventing and surviving total meltdowns. These are not fool proof. They are not 100%. Heck I would be lying if I said they work 75% of the time. And with all things parenting, just because they work for my kids, doesn't mean they'll work for yours. But hey, it's worth a try! If you're anything like me, if you're in the fire of tantrums and attitude, you'll try ANYTHING at least once 😉

Choices

This tactic is preventative. I have found that with all three of my children, even though they are at varying ages and maturity levels, respond well when given choices. This has been especially true with my six year old lately. She's a control freak (result of two type A parents) and because of her lack of control the last six months (ya know, with a global pandemic going on), her anxiety has manifested into poor and disrespectful behavior. I was at my breaking point a few weeks ago so I started researching. Through my research and several discussions with other moms who have similar parenting philosophies as me, a theme was emerging: choices.

Giving Zoey a say in some aspects of her life results in her feeling more in control of her life, overall. This theory has proven to be true for us the last few weeks. For example, mornings were always rough. She always fought what I laid out for her to wear. So the past two weeks when laying out clothes on Sunday evening, I had Zoey pick out her outfits. Mornings still aren't perfect, but they are a dramatic improvement over the first week of school. When she lays out her clothes, I do give her some direction. This week, I knew it was going to be colder. So I said she had to pick out 5 shirts and 5 pants. This is the most important part. You give them choices that you dictate. You have to be on board with either choice they make. Don't give them choices where you aren't okay with them choosing either one. That will make it even worse. Trust me. I've done it. Learn from my mistakes!

Another example is our menu for dinner. She fights me on everything I make. I'm no Rachel Ray but I'm a decent cook and I plan meals that I know my kids will like. I'm not making snails and cabbage! The last time I made the menu, I asked Zoey to pick two meals that she would like and gave her some options. Last night we had breakfast for dinner (her choice). Not only did she not fight me, but she was SO excited for dinner. She was also very proud that this was HER choice and everyone liked it. Major mom win.

I try to keep my choices to two options, three max. I don't want to overwhelm them and it makes it easier to be okay with any of the options if there are fewer of them. I also try to avoid open ended questions. If I do ask one (such as the meals for the menu), I provide some options, all of which are fine with me. I knew if I didn't give her options for dinner, we would be eating PB and J or Oreos for dinner!

Cool-Down Spot

About one week into kindergarten last year, in the middle of a meltdown, Zoey came into my room sobbing and said "I wish we had a cool down corner!". I was puzzled. I had NO idea what she was talking about so I asked her to elaborate. I managed to conclude that this was something done at school so I emailed her teacher for more details. Essentially, this is an area where the kids can go to "cool down". It can be mandated they go there (such as time out), but more often, it is better if they go voluntary. Our actual spot has a basket full of fidget toys such as stress balls, fidget spinners and dexterity toys. I linked the kit I bought off Amazon but you can certainly find more of this stuff at the dollar store.

I also made a book with actions they can do when they feel out of control. There are a number of these books or flash cards online but I created my own. I printed off the PDF below, laminated it, hole punched in the corner and put a key ring around it. The books illustrates to them what they can do to stabilize their emotions while giving them the choice on how to do so (again, with the choices!) This is such a simple and easy concept, but it has a large impact! My four year old actually uses our cool down spot the most and asks to go it when he feels himself losing self control. Highly recommend!

Calm down book.pdf

Download PDF • 330KB

Timers

Who would have thought something so simple would have such an impact? Whenever my kids are doing something fun (dance party) and have to transition to doing something not so fun (bath time), I tell them I'm setting a timer for "insert number of minutes here". Then, when the timer goes off, it's time to move on to our next task. Doing this has prevented SO many fights. I think it is more about setting expectations. I have noticed that when I tell them upfront what is going to happen, they react much more positively than if I don't. We used this technique a lot during quarantine. Each Sunday evening we would say, "okay, tomorrow is a work day for mommy and daddy. I know we will still be home but we have to work during the day". This helped immensely.

With timers, I've found that it's best if it is a timer they can see or hear. For some reason, they don't believe me when I say the timer is up unless they can hear it themselves (probably because they've learned...). We usually use the timer on our microwave or have Alexa set one. I sometimes pick the time limit and other times ask for their input. My four year old really needs to work on his bargaining skills (or not). Many times we will barter back and forth...Me: Ten minutes; B: NO! FIVE! Okay buddy...you win! 🤣

Hug It Out

My four year old is my only boy and his behavior challenges me in ways that my girls' doesn't. I grew up with three sisters. My husband always reminds me that I didn't grow up around boys, which is why it's hard for me to understand his behavior sometimes. While he is getting better at managing his emotions, there are still times where he hits a point (usually when he's overly tired) and there is NOTHING anyone can do to stop him. We've found it is better not to try to discipline him further when he gets like this, because it does more harm than good. During these fits, he usually gets a little aggressive, which I've spoken to his doctor about and apparently is totally normal (again, new boy mom over here).

I've tried leaving him alone. I've tried reasoning with him. I've tried the cool down spot. When he gets in these moods, everything I've just talked about is thrown out the window. There is ONE thing I have found that works. I sit on the floor, wrap him in my arms and squeeze him in a big bear hug. I usually rock back and worth while either humming or whispering affirmations to him. He sometimes fights me. He sometimes gives in right away. Sometimes it takes me 30 minutes. Sometimes it takes 30 seconds. But it always helps. I can almost feel the frustration leave his body and he finally just leans into me limply. He's usually pretty worn out by that time. I follow it up with a calm conversation about what he was doing that was wrong, so there is still a level of accountability.

Yes, I know me forcing a hug on him goes against everything we teach our kids about appropriate boundaries and teaching our kids that their bodies are their own. And usually I am all about that. But during these times, I feel like it is more important for him to know that he has me, his momma, to lean into and no matter how much he pushes me away, I'll always be there for him. It works for us. Feelings are BIG when you're four. They're big when you're 33! There are times that I would kill to just have my mom wrap her arms around me and whisper that everything is going to be okay. So if I can provide that safe space and reassurance to my sweet kiddos, I'm definitely going to.

What other parenting tips do you have for handling big emotions? I'm certainly not a parenting expert and will NEVER claim to have all the answers. Just this morning I had a fight with Zo and we both ended up crying, so no claiming perfection here! These are just a few things that work for us, for now (because ya know, kids change daily..).